How to Eat Pussy

*or Everything You Need to Know About Cunnilingus But You Were Too Busy Picking the Hairs Out of Your
Teeth to Ask Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman (or so I read on the cover of Cosmo). It makes her feel appreciated, respected, desirable, and has the potential to give her an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but it does give us an excuse to talk some more about vaginas.
The vagina is a mystery to most men. It's hidden away. Taken out only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding. Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes best slathered in melted butter. It also has lots of crumbs. For something so complex you'd think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How many times have you planted your face at heaven's door and said to yourself, "Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or not to finger, that is the question?"
Men have no problem telling women what they like, "Oh yeah! That's it! Oops, sorry baby. It's OK, it's protein." There is no mystery about a penis. It stands out in the open. Proud. Happy to be out in the breeze. No matter how small or unimpressive, every penis acts as if it's a Will Ferrell, the Washington Monument, or a mighty Sequoia. A penis is so simple in comparison to a vagina that I can explain everything you need to know about performing oral sex on a penis using a standard fire hydrant.

It's all good!!!

If a woman is still unsure, she can rent an adult video. Any video.

I know what you're thinking, "I'll just rent a video and learn all about eating pussy. I don't have to read a bunch of words." Wrong. Forget for a minute that as soon as you pop the DVD into the player, your left hand will instinctually grab the remote and find the fast-forward button while your right hand locates your mule and begins the old "up and down." You can't learn how to eat a pussy from a video because of your big old head.

Here's a picture of me, eating the sweet pussy of a famous actress. Informative? Taking notes? You could watch me give Meryl several orgasms (and I did) and you wouldn't learn jack. All you'd do is waste lotion and a few million sperm.

Even when porn movies show oral sex in close-up labia-vision-3D, they have to push the licker's head sideways to give a good view to the camera, while snapping the receiver's hip out of joint. This position is designed for good cinema, not for optimal pleasure.


Practice, Practice, Practice - Pussy Eating Exercises

One of the key differences between performing oral favors on a woman versus a man is time. With men, the better you are, the shorter your performance. With women, you're expected to be able to perform for extended periods of time. In order to develop marathoner-like endurance, there are a number of exercises that can be used to strengthen the muscles in your mouth.

What does this lesbian have that you don't? I'm not talking about the beautiful girlfriend or the impressive breasts. Look closer!

See those bruises on her tongue? This girl has been busy.

Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.

Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You'll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover.

Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.

Here I am after only 3 weeks of working out. No more bruises and I lost 20 pounds.

Get Licking!

Now that your tongue is in shape it's time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, "Salmon is like $12 a pound, can't I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?" When it comes to training for licking labia, you can't skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.

Now, that's a nice piece of fish, tastefully shaped to promote interest, and garnished with parsley to simulate the texture of her 10 o'clock shadow.

Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important Note: You don't have to perform this task with a real pussy.
Basic Techniques

Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia. I found this useful diagram at CómoComerUnaVagina.com.

¡Hay carumba! That pussy looks like its singing opera. If the pussy in front of you starts to sing you're either doing something very right or you're actually French kissing.

Lets talk technique. Jane Austen once wrote that "a good lover’s hands never stop moving." She meant moving on the woman's body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you're prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or her Caesarian scar).